Undeniable sadness

I don’t even know how to start. I have needed to blog about this since Friday, and now it is just a jumbled mess…

Background: When I went to Baltimore this summer, my friend had recently run into John, and told me that he was struggling spiritually.  Apparently he told her that he wasn’t even pursuing God’s will for his life.  The news really saddened me.

Since this summer, I’ve had a couple of moments when I wanted to contact him.  I would even go as far to see if he was on-line, but then I would tell myself I shouldn’t get involved….

Probably two weeks ago, I dreamed about John for about a week.  The only one I remember was one in which he got engaged.  As usual, the dreams peaked my curiosity, and I tried to facebook stalk him, but found he had removed his account.

Well this weekend when I went to go see my sister, I spent some time in her church’s prayer room.  I was thinking about how far I’ve come, which often makes me think about John (since for good or for bad, he played a large role in the process).  And then I began to think about the fact that it doesn’t seem that John has grown or changed, and the next thing I know I was on-line messaging him. Below is our conversation:

me: Can we be friends yet?
John: We can be not enemies
me: is this a riddle? we don’t have to be close friends…
John: we can be friends who say hi how are you when we bump into eachother, but not visit on purpose when in the same neck of the woods.
me: ok… well, before I ‘bump’ into you online… I want to apologize for our nasty our break-up was. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have.
  and the only reason I want to be friends is because from time to time, you cross my mind, and I hate knowing how you are doing…
John: You hate knowing how i’m doing? I’m not on facebook, its should be close to impossible.
me: sorry. typo. I hate not knowing. I’m just trying to extend the olive branch here… if you don’t want to be friends, that is fine, but I want you to know, I am truly sorry… and for awhile I carried around bitterness, and I’m sorry for that too…
John: slow response = at work. hang on
 me: k
John: I’m not harboring anything against you, and I understand if you do/did. We can only be acquaintances regardless. I am doing fine: I have moved to north of Baltimore, almost to PA; I will be finishing in DC soon, starting my own job in December. I have been playing dodgeball, fixing up houses, working on my bmw 740il as a hobby (it has 400,000 miles on it), and staying out of trouble when I can help it.
me: I’m disappointed we can’t be friends, especially as I think I feel in debt to you… you brought me back to church, and in the end, the break-up was the best thing that has every happened to me. honestly…. I’ve taken care of my issues, and for the first time in my life, I feel good about myself, life and God. I’m even happy in St Francisville living with my parents…. I had a friend go through a breakup similar to ours, and it made see things from your perspective, so I just wanted to tell you I was sorry in hopes I could fix some of the damage I did…

John: That makes me genuinely happy that some good came out of our relationship. I feel that since things ended badly combined with sleeping with each other that there is irreparable damage done and being friends is not an option at this point or the near future. I was humbled by how I conducted myself and was brought once again to the truth that I will never be perfect, even if I love Christ as I do.

Now I’m really sad about his situation and the state of our friendship, but I don’t know why and more importantly I don’t know if I should do anything about it… And maybe I shouldn’t read into this conversation at all about how he is actually doing, but I just don’t know.

UGH. I hate not having all the answers!

I think I’m sad for several reasons. One, even though I have been very angry with him, I want the best for him.  I see all his potential, and I hate to see it not develop. Second, I always thought I would have him in my life. Always.  It is hard for me to accept that him and I are not friends (especially because I can and have put our relationship behind me.  To me, it is just a big mistake, I’d like to put behind me.). Third, I’m definitely feeling rejected again.  On one hand, I get it, because John and I have some fundamental differences, which I think is threatening to him, but that doesn’t make it feel better or easier to accept.  To summarize, no doubt, I’m sad, because I want things to be different in many ways for him and me.

Sidenote: I think if I follow up with him, it will be just to inquiry how he is doing emotionally and spiritually.  I think he is right that we shouldn’t try to spend time together…

Here are my questions about following up with him regarding our conversation: Is there a possibility of it helping him or should I do just because it is the right thing to do? Or is trying to help him enabling him to not grow because these are issues he needs to figure out for himself or at least show a desire to figure out?

I hope you guys don’t think I did the wrong thing in messaging him.  I’m a little concerned about posting this blog, because I’m afraid it makes me look weak and like I’m losing ground.  Personally, I don’t think that is it at all, but maybe I’m just lying to myself….


4 thoughts on “Undeniable sadness

  1. So sorry this is so difficult. I’m sure you must be hurting a lot. My perspective would be that it’s awesome that you let him know that you are not harboring anything and gave him an opportunity to forgive you as well. From here on, I wouldn’t make any effort to contact him in the future. Of course, I’m not you or in your situation, but it certainly seems like both of you have said as much as you need to say. He pretty clearly doesn’t want to be contacted, and it doesn’t look (from a totally outside perspective) like it would help either of you to keep contact. That’s my two cents…feel free to take or leave.I’m SO sorry this is painful, and you will definitely be in my prayers.

  2. @Pickwick12 – thanks for the advice and prayers… I think it is painful, because it is out of my hands.  and I know, even if I try something, the result is out of my hands.  I keep telling myself that he is in God’s hands, and that is enough, but I guess I’m not ready to accept that yet…

  3. It’s good that you apologized to him but I agree with @Pickwick12 – that it’s probably best to not contact him again. He gave you his answer and it does no good to try and force anything. Give it to the Lord and trust him.

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