Darkness

Now that school is in full-swing, life has been very busy. I am glad to be back at school, and I enjoy work, but I hate coming home and looking at myself in the mirror. Life just really, really sucks.

Things with Holly are not good. I think she is seeing Taylor again, and I think she is sneaking him into the house at night. I am so angry at her that I can’t even describe it. The anger engulfs me. Monday I am going to call to make an appointment with the counselor. I’ve been meaning to do that, but life has been so busy.

Financially, I am in way over my head. Every month I am just not making it. I think I need to start paying less on my loan, which sucks. I cannot wait to get out of debt.

The worst part of all of this is the distance that I feel from God. He feels so far away. There are moments that I am reminded of his grace and love, like when I look at Babydoll and I am reminded that he brought her back to us. But I just feel like I am desperate for God to show up in my life, and remind me that this is not all pointless. I think part of the struggle is I am struggling with my feelings for Adam. *sigh* Adam…

Adam is a guy that I have known for about 6 months. It is mostly a friendship, but about 3 months ago we got drunk and hooked up. Adam would not be good for me, but I am so desperate to not be alone. This issue between me and Holly just makes me want to run to Adam so I am not alone.

I just see this fork in the road, I could pursue a relationship with Adam or I could continue to pursue God. I want to choose God,  but I don’t feel strong enough to choose God.

God, where are you?

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