To live again


Well, Holly and I went to counseling yesterday. It went ok, but I think I am really frustrated that the lady doesn’t really understand what has gone on for the last year…

She kept saying that she gave me permission not to take care of Holly and that I over-function. It just really pissed me off because I really do my best not to tell Holly what to do. Honestly, I only think I have explicitly told Holly TWICE what to do. But Holly wanted to say that her opinion doesn’t matter. Well, shit, she has never shared a God-damn opinion in my experience.

*Aside* My language gets bad when I am angry, and I am beyond furious right now…

And then the one time I explicitly asked Holly what her opinion was (I asked her if she wanted to continue to live together), she told me that she did.

I just feel like now that it has taken over a year to figure out that Holly is no longer my friend, it is like, ok, I will move on with my life, but for so long I was trying to figure out a relationship that I was completely in the dark about. How am I not suppose to over function in that type of situation?!?!?

I am just really, really pissed off. How does this become my fault?!?!?! I mean, even with the guy coming over situation. I was operating under the assumption that Holly and I were both living in a Christian household where both of us wanted to act like Christians. I would’ve opened that door on any of my Christian friends that I thought don’t typically make those types of situations. But if Holly doesn’t want to live like a Christian then she should’ve fucking said something!

Damn it, Holly! Just fucking open your mouth and say whatever the hell you feel!! Just get me out of the dark so I can fucking understand what the hell is going on!!!!

But now, I don’t get a shit about her or whatever the hell she wants to do. Fuck her! You wanna have your life and keep me in the dark, be my guest because I don’t give a flying flip about you!!!

Sorry. I am just so so angry.

And then last night I started crying, and I can’t seem to stop them. It is like for so long I couldn’t cry and now I can’t stop… I hardly made it to work today, because I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to stop crying.

I am just so angry, and that is almost all I can say about it.

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