Fighting for Hope

This was a rough week. I still don’t think I have made much progress, and I never found a doctor willing to take me off the meds. Thankfully, on Thursday, I saw one of my counselors and he encouraged me to just take one day at a time and recognize that I am at least on the right road. That was really helpful, because it challenged me to stop fighting about my diagnosis. Even though I still disagree with it, it is too much effort to fight, especially when I’m not making any progress.

Then on Friday, my other counselor explained that I have been diagnosised Bipolar with a single incident, meaning for one, this is simply their best guess at a diagnosis. This incident could have happened for many different reasons. Second, they don’t know if I will ever have a second incident. This could be the only time I ever have a problem. It was really encouraging, because it validated what I have been thinking.

All in all though, I still feel like I am fighting off a depression. I think I’m ready to get back to normal life. I think staying home all day everyday is just boring and it makes me feel bad. I want to go back to work after Thanksgiving, but I’m a little worried about that too. What if I’m not ready for the stress of work?

I’m trying to find comfort in my Bible and the promises that God gives us. I’m trying to trust him and his word. Right now it isn’t quite working, which is really sad to me. Normally, the Bible is a major comfort, but I feel overwhelmed by the weight of the world. It is almost like, “God, is this all there is to life?” which is such a terrible attitude, because belief in God should make all the difference in the world! I searched my Bible for promises of God’s protection and deliverance. I’m going to try to mediate on these scriptures this week.

Father God, help me to trust you. Help me to put my hope in you. Help me to take my eyes off myself, and focus on you. Amen.

Psalm 42:5

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Psalm 27:13-14

13 I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong[a] and courageous.
Wait for the Lord.

Psalm 119:114

114 You are my shelter and my shield;
I put my hope in Your word.

Psalm 9:9

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed,
a refuge in times of trouble.

Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

 

Good to Me
by Audrey Assad
I put all my hope
On the truth of Your promise
And I steady my heart
On the ground of Your goodness
When I’m bowed down with sorrow
I will lift up Your name
And the foxes in the vineyard
Will not steal my joy
Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me
And I lift my eyes
To the hills where my help is found
Your voice fills the night
Raise my head up and hear the sound
Though fires burn all around me
I will praise You, my God
And the foxes in the vineyard
Will not steal my joy
Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me
Because You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me, good to me
You are good to me
Your goodness and mercy shall follow me
All my life
I’ll trust

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