Illness Update

Two updates about my health…

First, I started sleeping when the doctor upped my trazadone to 150 as opposed to 100. But this past weekend, the trazadone was making me sleepy all day long, so I dropped back down to 100. Initially I still slept around 7 hours a night without feeling drowsy the next day. Well today is day 3 on trazadone, and I’m back to not sleeping. I’m super sad about this, because it makes me realize that I can’t get off the medicine yet, because I need it. I hate the thought of me needing medication. This is exactly why I don’t want to accept my diagnosis, because it comes with taking meds for the rest of my life…

Second, my doctor told me that I can’t go back to work after Thanksgiving. I’m really, really, really upset about this. I’m so tired of just hanging around my house. I love my work! I miss the kids so much, and I miss teaching math. I’m also upset, because last time I talked to him, he said I could return to work when I felt like it, so I don’t know why he changed his mind… Again, it gives me the sad realization that I’m sicker than I realize, which is so upsetting…

Everyone keeps telling me to use this time to get to know myself, but how? I have definitely accepted that bipolar or not, I’m not the same person I was before, but that still doesn’t tell me how to get to know the new me…

I do have one praise report from today. Today I received a text from a kid at my church. She needed help with Pre-Calculus, and it was SOOO rewarding to spend an hour focused on her and math. It was a much needed escape from my reality, and I was grateful to God for it.

I still feel a little mad at God, and I definitely still feel a hint of depression. I just want my old life back! And I know everything happens for a reason, and God will redeem this situation for my good and his glory, but walking this road is hard! And I feel like it is never ending! I guess I shouldn’t find it so surprising that my trial is so challenging, and I need to be more grateful, because this is a sign that God is maturing me, but sometimes I just want to be immature and petty and complain all the time… Now that I have talked about it, I can see that I need to find my joy in all of this. It is here, so it is just a matter of me choosing to pick it up and wear it…

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (CSB)

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there is no fruit on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though the flocks disappear from the pen
and there are no herds in the stalls,
18 yet I will celebrate in the Lord;
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation!

Job 13:15 (ESV)

15 Though he slay me, I will hope in him;

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self[a] is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

1 Peter 5:6-11 (CSB)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he cares about you. Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world.

10 The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,[a]will himself restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little while.[b] 11 To him be dominion[c] forever.[d] Amen.

Though You Slay Me

by Shane and Shane

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need
Though tonight

2 thoughts on “Illness Update

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Amy. =( (This is still Ashley, aka “AngelAsh_86”). Although I do have a question, and forgive me if I don’t understand.

    Your doctor said that you couldn’t go back to work after Thanksgiving. Why is that?

    I mean, are you actually sick, or is that just a diagnosis from your family? What would happen if you ignored that doctor’s orders and DID go back to work? (Doctors HAVE been known to be wrong on occasion).

    I’m sorry, I just want to see you happy and doing what you love. ❤

    • I’m not sure why my doctor won’t let me go back to work. I think it is because being a teacher is stressful and he doesn’t think I can handle the stress yet. I didn’t actually see the doctor when I heard the news, his nurse called me on the phone.

      Also, my employer wants a note for me to return, thus why I called my doctor and found out he won’t release me yet.

      As far as, am I actually sick… I don’t know how to answer that. I know I had a mental breakdown and needed medical intervention. Am I as sick as the doctor believes I am, I don’t know… I guess I’m just trying to trust his opinion to stay safe. If I were to get off the meds too soon, I could end up worse than when I started…

      I appreciate your well wishes, and questions don’t bother me at all. I have tons of questions about it all, but unfortunately many of my questions are still unanswered….

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