Well I’m up in the middle of the night, because I can’t sleep, which really sucks because sleeping is my favorite thing to do… Recently not being able to sleep through the night has become a more and more regular thing. I wonder if it is related to my bipolar disorder. Having been only recently diagnosed, I still don’t recognize what is normal and what is bipolar. I’m scared that my sleeplessness is related to mania. I have also shopped a lot lately, which also makes me fear this is mania. Obviously this is not as severe as my manic episode last October, but I know even with medication I could experience mild manic episodes.

The scariest part of my experience is the realization that even though I was only recently diagnosis, I have always displayed symptoms of bipolar. Now it makes sense, but at the time I had no idea it wasn’t normal. I remember times of struggling with insomnia. I remember maxing out my credit card TWICE. I remember my risky behavior. I wish it hadn’t taken a hospitalization for me to be diagnosed.

Speaking my hospitalization, I have so much shame associated with it. I’m ashamed of having been committed to a mental facility. Even though I know it wasn’t really me at the time, I’m ashamed of the things I did and the way I acted. There are several people that said some really crazy stuff too, and I wish I could back to them and explain it wasn’t me. And the really scary thing is most of my friends and family didn’t see me at my worst when I was in the hospital. It makes me sad to remember how “crazy” I was. I don’t remember everything, which is probably a blessing, but losing control of your mind has to be one of the scariest experiences. My counselor told me to not just focus on my hospitalization but to remember what has happened since then. I’m now medicated and in a really good place. Lord willing, with medication, I will never have to experience that again. But sometimes I can’t help but replay those memories over and over again in my mind and be ashamed. 😔

Well I think I’m going to try to sleep again. Wish me good luck!

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