Finding significance.

Update on Colorado. We are putting the house up for sale today. Yay! But I’m also scared. I’m scared of selling the house now, which would mean we have to find temporary housing. I’m scared of not selling the house at all, which means we are going to have to pay rent and a mortgage when we are in Colorado. I’m trying to trust that things are going to work out just exactly the way they should, but that is easier said than done…

Recently I have been plagued with memories of my manic episode. I’m not sure what bothers me more. The crazy that was on display for so many people to see, or the crazy that went on once I was hospitalized… Regardless, I often find myself thinking about it, and being unsettled by the memories. Yesterday, I talked to my therapist about it, and she suggested that I find ways to re-frame the memories. For example, when I think about how terrible the mental hospital was, I should be grateful that it was a safety net for when I desperately needed help. I think I can do the same thing with the people that saw and experience my mania. Rather than be embarrassed, I need to be grateful that they were so kind and empathetic toward me. My therapist also suggested I try to find the significance in my experiences. I’m not sure what that is yet, but I’m thinking about it.

Being a “spiritual” person, you would think I would find comfort in knowing that God does everything for a reason, but my manic experience has really shaken my faith. During my mania, I experienced hyper-religiosity, which made me feel like God was talking to me personally. I saw a spiritual significance in everything, and now, knowing none of it was real, it makes me question how much true Christianity is real… I hate how this has effected my faith, because my faith has been so important to me for the past 10 years, but I can’t fake where I am…

My pastor played an important role during my mania, so my therapist suggested I talked to him as well. I think it is a good idea, but I’m not sure what the purpose of the conversation should be.

There is so much to think about, and I’m just not sure what I should do.

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