Untitled, Jan 4th, 2020

I hate finding titles for blogs… I find I just want to use the same one over and over again, because so often my blogs are about the same topics over and over again… Maybe I should just date them..

I hung out with my sister last night. It went ok. We didn’t talk about anything important, and ran out of things to talk about after about an hour. We didn’t hug… It just made me sad. really sad. I fear the relationship is permanently damaged… I keep telling myself that Holly just isn’t capable of anything more significant. She is just so harsh. I tried to talk to her about my worry over my friend Amy, who is experiencing bipolar symptoms even while medicated. And she was just like Amy needs some therapy, which she does, but I feel so much compassion for my friend. I worry about her, and Holly was just kinda like Amy needs to figure it out. I told my sister that I didn’t know what to say to Amy, because I don’t. There is nothing you can say that makes her experiences better. And Holly was full of advice. Ironically, I talked to Amy about Holly, and one of the first things she said was Holly just doesn’t get it. She said Holly needs to grow up a little. It felt so validating to hear someone else express how I have been feeling. My sister-in-law had said something similar when I talked to her. She said Holly just doesn’t understand clinical depression.

My friend Amy gets it. Even while struggling with her own demons, she said she can’t understand what I have been through. I think Amy is bipolar 2 struggling with hypomania, while I am bipolar 1 having been hospitalized for mania.

I wish I didn’t care so much about my relationship with my sister. I wish I could just accept things the way they are and move on. After our first conversation, I thought I had finally accepted things, but now I am back where I was a couple of weeks ago… My mom thinks me and Holly should try a counselor… My therapist keeps saying Holly just might not be capable of anything more, and that is what I’m beginning to believe. Why can’t I just accept that? Why can’t I be satisfied? My husband thinks I need to just seek a more significant relationship with someone else, and I kind of agree. Why can’t I just find what I am looking for with someone else?

*Time out*

I just googled acceptance, because I know that is the root of my problem. I told my husband that last night. I’m struggling with acceptance. Rather than fight the reality of the state of the relationship, I need to accept that it is what it is. The article and my therapist say that we cause more pain and suffering when we refuse to accept things. I can see this is true, very true. But I don’t know how to force myself to acceptance. Interestingly the article says acceptance doesn’t mean that things might not change in the future, it just means accepting the present as is. I think that is also part of my problem, I am fearful that my relationship with my sister will never get better. And it might not, but it might. Regardless, rather than ruminate over and over again about the future, I need to focus on today, and say, it is ok that today things are not how I want them to be. The article also explains that acceptance doesn’t mean we have to like what we are going through. Regardless, it is painful, but we accept the pain. We acknowledge it’s presence rather than fight for relief from it. *sigh* Lastly, the article said acceptance is a verb; it something we work at, something we practice over and over again. That is probably what I am experiencing. I need to realize there will be times I am more accepting than others. *sigh* Today I will practice acceptance. In this moment, I will accept. And in the future, when I find myself upset or anxious, I will remind myself to accept.

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