After you read the devotional, I need to explain something very important…
I know every family has some level of dysfunction, but ours seems more ridiculous because we all claim to be Christians. Instead of doing things the way we always have, how about if we try something new? Let’s talk openly about our hurts and disappointments instead of gossiping about each other. Let’s forgive even when it isn’t deserved. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt that perhaps they didn’t mean to cause us harm. Let’s give each other grace to have a different belief or perspective. When someone disagrees with you, lets value the relationship over the idea. Most importantly, let’s trust God to handle each other with deep care and concern. I know that individually we are all awesome and we each have some amazing gifts to share with the world, but just imagine what we could do if we were reconciled to each other. Imagine the testimony our family could have if we began applying Biblical principals to our relationships. I know many of you feel that Mom and Dad should be the ones to send this email, but we aren’t children anymore. We don’t need Mom and Dad to tell us what to do; we can make decisions for ourselves.
So let me be the first to do this. I need to be honest about where I am at in my recovery process…
If the hospital taught me anything, it was that most people can’t be trusted and most people don’t care about you. Since coming home from the hospital, I’m struggling with several issues. One is that body simply hurts from lack of sleep, and my mouth is constantly severely dry. Second is that I’m still struggling with sleep. The doctor prescribed a sleeping pill which I take, but it only helps me fall asleep not stay asleep. The hospital knew that this sleeping pill was not working for me, but sent me home with it regardless. Additionally, when I do sleep, I often have nightmares, so I wake up angry and agitated. I have tremors in my hand and mouth, so I have very poor fine motor skills. My new doctor prescribed an additional medicine for it, so it is getting better (thankfully). But mostly, I’m struggling with trust and fear. Thus why I pulled away from everyone when I exited the hospital. I spoke to most of you while in the hospital, but I lied and said I was ok, because I was afraid the hospital was taping conversations. Once I became lucid in the hospital, my only goal was to get out. I had figured out that the more complacent you were, the quicker you would get out. Unfortunately no one told me that I did not have to take the medicine prescribed (truthfully they told me that I had to take the medicine to be able to leave). I wish I had never take that first pill, because now, I have lost so much of what I love: I can’t go to school, I can’t work nursery, I can’t get pregnant, I can’t drink caffeinated coffee, I struggle writing or focusing on a book. I’m hurting right now both physically and emotionally. So why I am telling y’all this? It actually isn’t to get sympathy, because God is going to take care of me and my issues. I’m not saying that I’m all better, I know I am not, but I know I will EVENTUALLY be restored. God has been faithful to meet me where I was and where I am. I also believe that God will put me back together and I will be stronger than before, but I need space and time to heal. The key in all of that is EVENTUALLY. Until then, I am struggling with anger towards y’all.
I am angry with Emil and Kathryn for inserting yourselves into my life. There were reasons that Cody and I didn’t want to go to the hospital that you didn’t know and really couldn’t know. My not wanting to go to the hospital was part manic and part reality. I know your heart was in the right place but now every time I hurt, every time I take a pill, every minute that I can’t sleep, every day that I can’t do things that I love doing…. I place my anger on you. Right or wrong, that is the way that I feel right now. I want to forgive you but trust is broken. It takes time to forgive and to trust again. Holly. I know you wanted me recommitted to a hospital. I don’t know what you knew or didn’t know about how I was behaving at home or about the care that Cody, Mom, and Dad were giving me. What I do know is that the day I was released, I shared some things about what the hospital did to me and you still thought I should go back to the hospital. That is just so hurtful to me. Again, I know it was out of love and concern but at the same time to subject me to that treatment again seemed very mean, cold, and as if you didn’t care or hear me. And when you called me Saturday morning, I felt like you were mocking me, and I still don’t understand why. Cody told me that I must have misunderstood you, but the conversation still hurt. I love you and want to forgive you but the wounds of rejection take time to heal. To all of you. I am upset with all of you. It seems that you all wanted to embrace the diagnosis of bi-polar so easily. I thought you knew me better. I thought when people that knew me best, Cody, Mom, Dad, Aunt Linda, Aunt Caroline, thought that there was no way that I could be bi-polar, I thought that would mean something to you. And right now I’m having hard time finding a doctor that will even question my diagnosis, so I feel condemned to a miserable life for a long time to come. The worst part of it is that this situation started because I wanted to mend fences. I wanted a better relationship, and y’all’s response was that I’m crazy. During my hospitalization I was so hopeful about Thanksgiving. It was like a little bright spot in a dark place, so when I got out and their was all this discord, I was devastated. Even since my hospitalization I have tried to apologize to several of you, but I didn’t see any reciprocation and that hurts. Even though the hurt was unintentional, it doesn’t change the result in my life. I was hope this event was going to bring us all together but it did the opposite.
I love you all and I forgive (or am trying to forgive) each of you. Just as I’m praying for my complete healing, I am praying that God will help me to see this situation through his eyes, because he looks at the heart and I’m sure he sees your love for me. Unfortunately I’m a sinful human, and so forgiving and trusting y’all may take some time as well. Just have patience, understanding, and grace as I work through these feelings and learn how to trust each of you again.
MATTHEW 5:23-25 CHRISTIAN STANDARD BIBLE (CSB)
23 So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.
MATTHEW 18:15-20 CHRISTIAN STANDARD BIBLE (CSB)
Restoring a Brother
15 “If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. 17 If he doesn’t pay attention to them, tell the church. If he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like a Gentile and a tax collector to you.